Friday, 30 March 2012

Miliband Exists! New Footage Suggests.

Grainy footage has emerged on the internet that could prove beyond all doubt the existence of Ed Miliband.

Footage taken in Westminster by Ugandan tourists appears to show a mostly transparent spectre floating past windows inside the Houses of Parliament.

Experts have said it is the most convincing evidence yet that the semi-mythical figurehead of the Labour Party exists.

Haberdasher Simon Collins has been a believer in the Miliband Phenonmena (MP) since the shadowy figure allegedly opened a Boots in Latham Town Center. He says it is easy to recognise the true Miliband by its distinctive nasal moan and almost complete lack of substance.

'He's like diet-mist, instantly forgettable.

You've probably seen him tens of times in your life, but it just wouldn't register - such is the elusiveness of the Miliband Phenomena.'

Scientists at CERN are hoping to adopt neutrino detecting technology to join the hunt for the MP.

Professor Bryn Cooks explains it thus:

'The thing about neutrinos is, they're very tricky to detect as they don't interact with normal matter.'

The parallels with Miliband are obvious.

'Our first aim is to experimentally detect the existence of the proposed MP, and if successful study it's properties (assuming it has any).'

With extensive research and funding, scientists believe it might one day be possible to extract a coherent policy from Miliband.

'But we're talking in the realms of science-fiction here...'

Miliband or fake?
Professor Cooks confides.

'Currently the technology for such a bold undertaking just doesn't exist, nor is it likely to in our lifetime.'

Until then, grainy footage and unverified recordings of heavy nasal breathing are all we have to go on in the hunt for Ed Miliband.

False alarms are common.

In late 2011, spiritualist and chicken factory labourer Myra Dodridge believed she had made contact with Miliband during a midnight seance at a guest house in Penzance. It emerged what she had thought to be the ghostly drone of Miliband was in fact a neighbour doing some late night vacuuming after treading on a pipe of pringles.

Her claims to have exorcised the restless spirit of Rod Hull from a grand piano in Leeds were also widely denounced as fantasy.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Ant shanks Dec and tells him 'I'm the daddy now'

Ant McPartlin made a long expected power play yesterday to wrest control of the double-act he has been the junior partner in since 1989

The attack happened as the two sat eating coco pops in their spiderman pajamas whilst watching cartoons on morning tv. Ant is believed to have battered Dec with a sock filled with kangaroo testes and screamed
'I'm the daddy now!'
The duo will furthermore be known as Ant plus Dec.

A spokesman for the pair issued the following statement:
'I didn't see nuffink, alright!'

Ant plus Dec have been inseperable since a terrible accident in 1991, when they jointly killed a female extra from biker grove in a bizzare sex ritual, and buried the body beneath Jeff's office. It is believed fear and mutual suspicion have kept them from leading sepearte lives, with each scared the other could rat them out at any time. The pair changed their names in 1997 to evade detection by the police, and were last seen hiding out in dense woodland, gnawing on a badger's penis.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Jobless figures fall dramatically, as Osbourne takes on new manor staff

The number of unemployed in Great Britain unexpectedly fell today, following news that chancellor George Osbourne has recently taken on over 16,000 people to help run his stately manor.

'I knew something had to be done when I was reduced to wiping my own bottom one night.'

Osbourne told journalists shuddering.

'I'm...you know... I'm a man on a rich diet.'

he went on.

'I was stuck in the bathroom for over 12 hours whilst I tried to work out just how it was done'.

Osbourne eventually gave up and dialled 999. When the operator realised who he was she screamed down the phone

'I'm losing my job because of you, you snivelling little shit! No frontline cuts my twat! Wipe your own fucking arse and fuck off while you're at it!'

then hung up.

Osbourne cried steadily on the commode for hours until one of the cleaning staff found him and did a patch up job before sending him on his way. The four walls, marble bath and Osbourne himself were said to be smeared in excrement. He now employs a cleaner for each cheek, and several for his dirty bumhole.

On a more worrying note, further research has suggested that over one in five young people are currently out of work. Experts believe this to be due to the fact that Osbourne can't stand them, and hasn't employed any since one young man had the temerity to call him 'George'. Osbourne reportedly demands that all his servants call him m'lud.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Abramovich splashes out 50 million on 'magic beans'

Roman Abramovich was left ruing his luck today, having paid a wandering tinker 50 million pounds for some magic beans on a recent trip to liverpool. He insists the investment was a wise one, despite knowing full well the beans in question had been largely useless for their previous owner.

Abramovich felt that with the right atmosphere and setting, the beans could do wonderours things for him. Perhaps even win Europe's top horticultural prize. Instead he has found himself with a handful of useless crap and only his own poor judgement blame.

Abramovich also purchased a long stand from the mysterious tinker, but while he waited and waited, it was never delivered.

Abramovich is in a quandry as to whether to hang on to the beans in the hope they germinate and bring him untold wealth and glory, or sell them on shamefacedly for only a fraction of their cost. Those close to him say he believes himself an expert on beans and pulses, but critics say he is a mere meddler with no real grasp of the agricultural arts.

Trouble in'th top field, gaffer.
It is not the first time Abramovich's judgement has been called into question. In 2006 he hired close friend Andy Sevchecko to work in his greenhouse, despite the serious misgivings of his chief gardner Jody Mourelio. Mourelio - one of the world's foremost landscapers, told him Sevchecko was not up to the task. Abramovich disagreed and insisted Sevchecko be given the most important jobs. The split is believed to be one of the main reasons behind Mourelio's exit from Abramovich's employ.

Mourelio has won the coveted 'Champions Leek' twice for other owners so far in his illustrious career. Abramovich for all his many billions, not once. He is said to be consoling himself over his teams latest exit from the Leek by pacing his stretch limousine which covers three time zones, and feeding unlucky groundskeepers to his pet Ivanovich.

A spokesman for the team said

'NO! NO! GOD HELP ME!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARGH!'

Monday, 11 April 2011

In brief...

  •  Bored office staff turn to work for relief
    Bored office staff across the country are increasingly turning to work in a bid to gain respite from the crushing tedium of timewasting tactics and serial day-dreaming. Newly invigorated initiate Mark Templeton said
'I'd really reached my limit after three straight weeks rating Lolcats and re-reading the same rubbish on Twitter all day.'
'So I decided to get on with it and do some bloody work - I haven't looked back!'
Since doing some actual work at the office, Mark has been singled out for praise from his bosses and is in line for a promotion. 
'Talk about an elegant solution.'
Enthused friend, frustrated mathmatician and office tea-monkey Dara Gosford.

  • Royal Family sent to Ecuador on loan, in bid to help balance books 
The entire Royal Family are set for Ecuador it emerged today, as government officials take advice from respected football manager Sir Alex Ferguson on how to manage country's debt.
  • Particularly astute stargazer accidentaly peers through fabric of reality
Upon being asked how he felt after his amazing discovery, Neville Harris replied 
'Insignificant.'
  • Royal Mint goes into overdrive, as Rooney starts using swear jar
Tired workers at the Royal Mint were doing triple shifts yesterday as they attempted to meet a huge demand in output after liverpudlian potty-mouth Wayne Rooney began a swear jar. Within the first eight minutes alone, economists estimate 12% of the country's shrapnel was inside the jar - roughly equivalent of the yearly budget of the Welsh Assembly.
  • Civil Liberties older than you are, Met rebuked
A high court judge today reminded the hired goons at the London Metropolitan Police Force that civil liberties in this country by far outdate their pissant little organisation, and that they should mind their elders. The Met wasn't founded to execute innocent Brazilians on the tube, or batter harmless news vendors to death in the street, he told them. Rather he went on, they should be a force for good, protecting the public and upholding the civil liberties past generations died for.
A spokesman for the Met... grunted.
  • French peasant invents time machine to travel back and kill own great-grandfather
A French peasant has become an international sensation following a successful mission back in time to kill his own great-grandfather. Scientists were left baffled at the paradox of how he could kill a direct ancestor yet remain in existence. The man appeares to have overcome the problem with typical French beligerence
'Yes, ah seen zat baradox coming at moi wiz a glint in eez eye.'
He blogged earlier today
'Ah told eem to sleeng ees 'ook, an ee deed'.
Scientists are hoping to mimick the technique to retain government funding in the wake of massive spending cuts announced earlier this year. 
'Beligerence is the new cold fusion.'
Professor Barnaby Cooks tweeted this afternoon.
  • Arts degrees to be awarded electronically, as study suggests they're no longer worth the paper they're printed on.
    Just go vocational, seriously.

Osbourne uses example of Iggy Pop to defend cuts

George Osbourne has used the example of fallen punk-rock god Iggy Pop in order to defend massive government cuts in public spending. Pop, a hugely sucessful singer/songwriter fell on hard times in the late noughties due to his irresponsible spending habits and penchant for gambling huge swathes of money on internet bumfights.

'Whilst I'm not the biggest fan of his "music" myself'

Osbourne told the commons yesterday

'I understand he holds a special place in the hearts of the great unwashed... I mean general public.

Whilst I have the greatest respect for his disgusting anti-social behavior, I want to hold him up as an example of irresponsible overspending gone terribly wrong.

30 years ago you might have found him rolling around in broken glass, exposing himself to crowds of teenagers or vomiting on stage for the sheer delight of it - but now look at him...

The whipping boy of an online insurance company, getting it up the old Eton gloryhole from a puppet of himself. How the mighty have fallen.'


Iggy looked forward to dress down fridays.

Due to financial meltdown, Pop has been selling his soul in a series of adverts for Swiftcover.com and spending his nights cold-calling potential customers from an i.t. centre in Bangalore.

'I used to think that people telling me to go fuck myself was like, soooo punk'.

He told a close friend.

'But now it just hurts my feelings, not to mention my commission'.



Osbourne had earlier likened the fiscal policy of labour under Blair and Brown to a punk-rock mentality, calling it 'dangerously irresponsible' and 'just down right annoying'.

He likened the new Tory/Lib Dem coalition's more cautious approach to a classical flamenco style, in which

'there are rules and structures yes, but good gosh that doesn't mean you can't have a bit of fun...

...within reason of course'.


Damn their eyes! I specifically asked for diet aqua!
Osbourne is infamous amongst the fine dining establishments of London for his delicate palate and sensitive temperament. He once sent a glass of water back to the kitchen for being 'too spicy' and has reduced grown chefs to tears with demands for poached dodo's eggs cooked in ph neutral spring-water, and a sharpened unicorn horn with which to pick the 'common air' from his teeth.

'I don't see what the problem is,'

He told friends and courteers afterwards.

'mumsy never got any complaints from the help.'

Fans of Iggy have staged mass burning sessions of his records and cds in protest. Ryan Jackson (52) who did not wish to be named said
 
'It's a symbolic gesture really, we're all fully comp'.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Anarchist claims decisive victory in war on capitalism

An anarchist in Oxford has claimed a decisive victory in the 'war on capitalism', that has been raging in his head for the better part of two decades.

Tim Oxley-Bleeford was walking back to his squatted residence in central Oxford after collecting his forghtnightly state-benefits, when he noticed an unattended cash-machine

'Just sitting there smack-bang in the wall of a darling little building.'

'I couldn't believe my luck, I pulled my FCUK roll-neck over my face and just went at it!'

Oxley-Bleeford attacked the HSBC cashpoint with a mannekin arm he darlingly stole from a nearby Topshop.

Smashing the state never looked so goddamned good
'It was exhilarating'

he enthused

'With every swing i could feel the state getting smaller and smaller.

I hadn't felt that good since my trust fund matured.'

The cash machine was left slightly scuffed.




A spokesman for the bank said

'Some idiot with a jumper over his head attacked one of our cash machines with a prosthetic limb.

Was it art? Flash mob?

I've no idea but he ran off screaming

"This is your waterloo!"

over and over again.'

What the poo might have looked like
In a seperate incident in Genoa, a Carabinieri was mocked by a group of unwashed youths in chequered scarves; whilst in Stockholm someone did a poo on the steps of a courthouse.

A statement on anarchist website

'Yes We've Thought This Through'

read

'There really is no way back for capitalism.

Simultaneously in three cities across the globe, the symbols of capitalism were torn down (symbolically), and we laid waste to this exploitative system of greed and corruption (again symbolically).

We predict the banks will be the first to crumble, give it till about tea time or maybe just after...and naturally the government will follow...then everyone just has to be nice to each other and all that...which they obviously will be without the banks and government making everyone evil and that.. and we'll have the perfect utopian anarchist society.. maybe give it a week or two to settle down like.'

Respected economics commentator Sir Richard Constantine was left unimpressed

'I don't think they've thought this through at all.'

he tweeted

'Capitalism ftw!'

Monday, 4 April 2011

Clarkson In Trouble At Beeb For Failing To Offend A Single Person In Latest Top Gear

Clarkson get's the hairdryer treatment.

Jeremy Clarkson was fighting for his professional career today following the shock revelation he failed to offend anyone in the latest episode of long running show Top Gear.

The BBC was beseiged on all fronts as complaints flooded in from viewers shocked and upset by the first 30 minutes of pc broadcasting in the show's 16 series history.

A spokesman for Clarkson issued the following statement

'Mr Clarkson wishes to apologise to all His fans who feel let down by recent events on screen.

It was never His intention to promote racial harmony, gender equality or political correctness, and He knows He's disappointed people greatly.

In His defence however, He would like make known that prior to filming, He called James May a "lazy arab", and was heard by two verifiable witnesses.

In a seperate, unwitnessed incident, He urinated over a toilet seat and giggled'.

Serial moaner Ida Wilshire (76) was left mortified by the non-breach of ettiquete in the show
Outraged.

'it's a disgrace'

she wrote

'not a single thing for me to complain about, not a fucking sausage! It's the highlight of my week, writing to OFCOM.

I ended up complaining about the lascivious gesticulations of that evil midget Jools Holland instead.

But it just wasn't the same...I won't be tuning in to Top Gear again.'

Jovial go-to Richard Hammond has also apologised on behalf of the show - promising untold vulgarities for viewers who keep watching.

Hammond has been operated by strings since a high-speed motor accident in 2006, where he lost 96% of his brain, but none of his boyish good looks.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Do Your Worst, Son

Nine killed and 81 injured in Salford in protests against desecration of racing form by Florida pastor"

give us your giro, precious
Salford was in turmoil today following a day of protests that left nine dead and 81 injured.
The protests were inspired by the contraversial burning of saturday's racing form in 'The Sun' by maverick Folrida pastor Terry Jones.
Residents took to the streets in their hundreds, burning american items such as hot dogs, hamburgers and marlboro cigarettes.
an eyewitness said
'protest?'
Of the 28 people admitted to hospital with suspected food poisoning, 8 died during the night, with one resident passing away after getting a betting pencil lodged in his throat.
The racing form is considered the holiest of texts by residents in Salford, akin to Islam's 'Qur'an', Judaism's 'Torah' or Essex's 'Heat'.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

cameron celebrates winning commons' support for bombing of libya (three days after it began.)

david cameron has been celebrating his 557 votes to 13 victory at the commons in support of the bombing of libya - a bold move he was instrumental in initiating (three days before the vote).

between mouthfuls of caviar and champagne he told waiting journalists

'this is a great day'

before swallowing hard and sputtering £300 worth of sturgeon eggs over andrew marr's whispy ginger pate.

cameron continued

'it took that bastard blair almost two years for his first military intervention -

i've been in less than a year, a fucking year!

and i'm not even proper prime-minister'

he added gleefully.

nick clegg could be seen hopping around in the background being restrained by both william hague and oliver letwin, making an aeroplane shape with his arms and shouting

'it was my idea too!

we both came up with it.

BOOM BOOM! BAM!

the bam part is a liberal concession i was instrumental in securing.

aren't bams so much more liberal than booms, hey fellows? '

cameron has worried mps across the chamber with his gung-ho rhetoric and threats of further intervention to remove gadaffi from power.

british military spokesman sir jock mcsmith said earlier

'whilst gaddaffi is certainly a madman and a tyrant, we don't know who to fear more - him or cameron.

the other week he (cameron) sent a crack team of SAS soldiers into libya dressed as morris dancers on the premise of a 'cultural exchange'.

captured by anti-gaddaffi rebels whilst erecting a 20ft maypole, they were lucky to escape alive.

i just thank god they were carrying white handkerchiefs.'

mcsmith finished emotionally.

a leaked memo reveals the military are considering using cameron as a secret weapon should desert warfare break out.

'by adding a sheen of wd40 to his massive forehead,'

 a military scientist wrote

'we could stun the enemy out on the battlefield, rendering them disorientated and disheartened.

we're calling it provisionally - shock and haw haw'

noting cameron himself had used the same trick several times at prime minister's questions.

'miliband didn't stand a chance.'

he added ruefully.

Monday, 21 March 2011

katie price stuns nation with announcement she is to team up with disgraced glam-rocker gary glitter

hopeless z-lister katie price stunned the public today with the announcement that she would be teaming up with disgraced musician gary glitter (real name paul gadd) in a bid to reinvent her public image.

'paul was just the natural choice really'

she told hello-today magazine

'his reinvention makes ziggy stardust look like tinky-winky'

new look?
'in the space of a year he went from ageing glamrock-nobody to internationally reviled paedophile. it's astonishing how much he achieved in such a small amount of time.'

price added thoughtfully

'if i can harness just a little of that transformative power.. i'll never have to marry anyone for publicity ever again.'

celebrity blogger olive cromwell welcomed the news with cautious optimism

'if gadd can stop her getting her kitt off in public, even for just a short time, he'll have done the world a massive favour'

she posted yesterday evening, adding

'but a leopard can't change it's spots, and we all know what a filthy disgusting danger to humanity.. price really is at heart.
no amount of reinvention will ever change that.'

when price was asked about the wisdom of allowing gadd near her young son harvey she answered flippantly

'we've discussed it and there's just no attraction'

'he said he'd rather stick his dick in an anthill'.

paul gadd - master of reinvention
gadd was stopped yesterday at the japanese border dressed as a giant peanut and carrying a rucksack full of sweets. price who was with him was also refused entry on the grounds that the charity single she had been planing to record constituted a greater threat to humanity than all the tsunamis in history.

when questioned by a reporter on the morality of her lastest exploits, price's eyes became distant and her breathing shallow.

'you broke the three syllable rule!'

hissed her agent, slapping her back to consciousness with a practiced fluidity.

the interview ended with the agent massaging the blood back into a visibly shaken price's lips, whilst simultaneously cooing in her ear like a dove.

astrological mix-up excuses rebecca black

"this dan brown's a bit overrated"


an astrological mix up by scholars in the 13 century has been cited as the reason pop hopeful rebecca black's song friday has failed in it's assault on the charts.

scientists at m.i.t. who have been studying the effects of the song on a variety of species, noted something unusual when recipients started showing signs of self-destructive and even suicidal behaviour when played the song.

in one notable case, a monkey fed himself to a swan piece by piece, after hearing only the opening bars.
a colony of ants also roused attention when they unilaterally organised themselves to spell out

'pour boiling water here'

with their own insect bodies.

gary loomis, a professor at the university knew something must be amis when a jaunty song about a friday could have such a negative impact on psyches across the animal kingdom.

'it's just not what you expect of a friday'

he writes in his groundbreaking journal

'i knew there must be more to this.'

using a series of complicated measurements and star charts dating back to ancient egyptian times, loomis made his shocking discovery

dr loomis (22)
'due to a clerical error in the middle ages, the day we think of as friday has been creeping forwards into the week for milennia'

'it's been well documented that thursdays have been getting better for some time now, and i think i've found the reason for this'.

the reason itself is shocking.

'as of the 18th march, the day friday has crept so far forward into the week it's actually a monday!'

he sits back and smiles triumphantly, fingering his pipe.

'and who bleep feels good about a fucking monday?'

it's compelling stuff.

when asked why he censored himself on one but not both of his explatives in the previous sentence he replied

'that's just my thing'.

rebecca black has used the study to defend herself on twitter

'see, i'm not a cunt. LOL!'

she posted yesterday morning, following up with

'lyrics to new song monday almost done. is it ok to rhyme skinny vest with death threat?
ROFL! LUVYABABESxx'

panic ensues across north america as man feels 'a bit chilly'

"we'll just get you in the oven"
people across north america took to the shops in their thousands today in frenzied scenes of panic after a man in hawaii tweeted that he 'felt a bit chilly'.

stocks of winter jackets, woolly sweaters and hats ran low from east to west coast as throngs of frantic shoppers panic-bought items to stave off a potential cold snap.
news crews at the scene reported apocalyptic scenes of abject terror as retailers ran out of essential cold-wear.

tom quincy, an L.A. bus driver put words to the scenes as he spoke to reporter arturo swift

'no one thought it could happen here'

he began, rubbing his hands for warmth in the temperate Los Angeles weather.

'we thought we were safe from this kind of thing, but if it can happen in hawaii... oh god!'

"faster you dogs! faster!"
Indeed such was the panic on the streets that ordinary americans might suffer mild discomfort, many who couldn't get their hands on clothing resorted to bulk buying gasoline and setting themselves alight.
To date, 1500 americans have staved off chills this way, while many more have dragged themsleves bleeding through the streets in the hope the friction produced will protect them.

'talk of a war on chills is premature'

a white house spokesman offered this afternoon

'but while chills exist, ordinary americans are undoubtedly at risk'.

the official advice from the white house is not to panic if you sense a dip in temperature, but to keep active and stay warm. talk of setting off thermonuclear devices in major towns and cities is 'advanced', and has met with wide approval on both sides of the house.

sarah palin has waded in with her support by uploading an eight hour dance routine to her website, designed for maximum warmth at a minimum of effort. it contains over 1000 varieties of shimmies, 50000 finger snaps, and a great deal of shuffling back and forth with one eye half-closed.

michael howlett, a retired engineer who sat through all 8 hours was afterwards seen tearing at his face and yelling

'what part of a human is that?!

oh my eyes! my eyes!'

palin did the entire routine in an undersized stars and stripes two piece.

tea party members have vocally criticised the presidential hopeful for not going far enough to meet the crisis, and new more vigorous routines are being uploaded hourly. one man in connecticuit dislocated both his elbows trying them out, whilst another lost an eye 'doing the glenn beck' with his wife - which involves a lot of agitated fingerpointing and blowing hot air.

almost nothing was done to assuage the fears of the public when the chilly hawaiian later updated his tweet to include

'still stood in the frozen yoghurt section. decisions, decisions'.